i am not the first person to talk about squirrel stapler. i will not be the last person to talk about squirrel stapler. i still havent written about vhs 85 which i SHOULD DO CUS ITS REALLY GOOD. regardless, i have an obsession and i must bring it upon you.
this is a game by david szymanski, of dusk and iron lung fame. it is a game about hunting squirrels and stapling them to your dead, skinned wife to make her beautiful again. i fucking love this premise. its DARK and INSANE and does something that i love which is put you in the shoes of an complete madman. im not normally much for hunting games. have it be a side thing in your game and ill probably put some time into it, but games entirely focused around it dont interest me at all. this fucking has me. i love this. i feel like a fucking madman and its GREAT.
scattered around the map are various notes. these have various stories to tell and awesome SQUIRREL FACTS!!!! which are all actually about lobsters but shhhhhh.
ANYWAY anyway. you have 5 days of squirrel collecting to do. there are small squirrels and big squirrls and also the SQUIRREL BEAR which is the best creature maybe ever. at the end of every day you staple the squirells you killed to your dead wife. to make her beautiful like the squirells of the wood
at the beginning of the game there is writing on the wall that says "god is coming in 5 days" and when the 5th day comes and you have hunted all the squirells... GOD IS COMING. there isnt any fanfare or delay it just shows text that says "GOD IS COMING" and a timer for when he arrives. until theres around 50 seconds left and you can hear what i think are angels chanting "GOD IS COMING" which is very panic inducing! i love it! when the timer is at zero. what else, god comes :)
i will not spoil what happens when god comes. go play squirrel stapler
and we carry on, VHS 99 is a lot less serious than the previous film, with each segment the connective tissue of taking place in 1999, on the edge of the new millenium. we have segments that are more black comedy than outright horror. that being said, this is a very strong collection of segments, and it contains my favorite segment in the ENTIRE franchise. speaking of which...
shredding: i love love LOVE shredding. while its not the scariest segment in the franchise, the punk rock and early internet aesthetic absolutely captivated me beyond belief. it is my favorite in the franchise and i will probably remember it the rest of my life. it is amazing. it follows punk band R.A.C.K, who run a web prank show called "R.A.C.K FUCKS SHIT UP". for their latest exploit, they venture into "THE COLONY UNDERGROUND". a venue known as the final resting place of "BITCH CAT", an all-girl punk band who was trampled by their own fans after an electrical fire broke out. showing themselves to just be, absolutely awful, R.A.C.K breaks into the venue to play on the same stage bitch cat perished in. while they spend the entire trip disrespecting the band, the camels back is broken when they decide to crush four sex dolls filled with jello, representing how bitch cat perished. the members of bitch cat, reanimated as ghouls, make a quick re-entrance to the stage, immediately mutilating one of the members of R.A.C.K and causing the others to flee. the camera frequently swaps perspective as the other members of R.A.C.K are quickly killed in ways that are grotesque as they are satisfying. seriously fuck these guys. the segment ends on a scene that is genuinely one of the best fucking things ive ever seen in my life. i will not spoil it. go watch shredding. it is amazing.
suicide bid: vhs is so consistently fantastic. this one follows a college freshman named lily, who wishes to join the sorority Beta Sigma Eta. they travel to a graveyard to see if lily should join them. she must the night buried in a coffin, similar to an "urban legend" of a woman named giltine, a woman who underwent the same trial, but ended up being left in there for a week. when the coffin was opened, she was nowhere to be seen. after being lowered into the coffin, lily undergoes a fucking nightmare of a stay, even outside of the fact that shes stuck in a coffin, its revealed the sorority girls filled the coffin with spiders, and eventually it begins raining and the coffin starts flooding. being discovered by two campus police officers, the sorority girls leave lily to drown in the coffin. the next day, they return to the coffin to find it empty... it the swiftly cuts to the sorority girls, all in seperate coffins, much like lily was. the confusion of the scene is quickly lost as its revealed that not only was the legend of giltine real, but that lily has followed in what is revealed to be her footsteps, becoming a demon and trapping the sorority girls in their own coffins, making sure they pay for what they did to lily. this segment is so, so insanely good. the intrigue, the claustrophobia, the twist. it all creates an extremely strong and terrifying segment. highly reccomend.
ozzy's dungeon: following a legend of the hidden temple or GUTS esque childrens game show, ozzy's dungeon begins as an episode of the titular show, one where the winner will be brought to the dungeon to meet ozzy, being gifted any wish they want. it proceeds as normal until a kid named donna ends up breaking her leg in two during one of the chellenges. its a grisly sight, theres blood everywhere, you hear her crying in pain, her mom in the audience has to be held back so she doesnt run onto the set. as we rewind to watch it once more, it's revealed that we were watching a tape of the event, being showed to the shows host by the family of the injured girl, the girls leg is decaying and grotesque, the family not having the money to get it properly treated. i want to give props to the effects in her leg btw, fucking disgusting in all the best ways. they have kidnapped the shows host to get payback for losing their one opportunity to get out of detroit and move somewhere nicer. it becomes evident as the segment continues that the leader of this operation, the mother, doesn't actually care about what happened to her daughter, she's just mad she didn't get any money like she planned. they subject the host to grimey and disgusting home made versions of the challenges seen on ozzy's dungeon, when he completes all but the last one, they decide to punish him by melting his face with acid, but in a last minute effort to avoid such a painful end, offers to "take them to see ozzy." we soon see them in the same place where ozzy was apparently located, the reveal that ozzy is a real creature housed in the body of a pregnant woman is great. as well as the wish the daughter makes... which we soon see the effects of as ozzy attacks the daughters family and the host, melting off their faces while the daughter smiles in sadistic glee. i fucking love this one, the opening game show segment is a perfect recreation of the nick shows its a reference, the part where the leg breaks is sudden and brutal, the host repeating the challenges is genuinely vomit inducing (again in the best way possible.) and the ending is legit perfect, no notes. ozzy's dungeon will probably be a classic VHS segment for years to come. there's also some commentary of how these kinds of shows, both the hosts and parents, was often used as a way to take advantage of children, these shows weren't my thing as a kid, so the finer details of that commentary were likely lost on me, but i got the basics down and found it made the segment much more compelling.
the gawkers (wraparound?): ok so. this movie doesn't really have a wraparound? instead a toy soldier film made by a guy from this segment plays between each one. they are believeably shitty and amateur and i love them. i also like this segment a lot, not as much as the ones preceding it, but its a weirdly refreshing return to the style of VHS 1, which i didn't think i'd ever be saying. but my main issue was not the presence of the insanely horny and awful characters, it was that they were OVERWHELMINGLY present, to the point the obnoxiousness outweighd the catharsis. just one segment is perfect for the characters to be awful but for it to still feel good when they die horribly. this one is very simple, it follows a group of horny teens stalking a girl to ogle her. it reaches its climax when they end up planting a hidden cam in her house... only for it to reveal that not only does she know they've been watching her, but that she's a gorgon! the teens are quickly dispatched by the gorgon, mutilated, decapitated, and of course turned to stone. its not trying to do anything insane like the previous segments, but it doesnt need to, i think its great as is.
to hell and back: the final segment of this film, and i think a strong one to end on. its the most horror comedy of the segments here, which is saying a lot cus the previous segments actually have a lot of horror comedy elements too, i just tended to not point them out. this one follows a duo of videographers as they have been hired to tape a demonic ritual, a preview of what awaits the world, but when the ritual goes awry, the two find themselves dragged into hell, and must escape with the help of a damned soul named mabel. while that set up seems like itd lead to a gruesome segment, this one is genuienly hilarious and i love it. i especially love the COMICALLY SMALL BEAR TRAP bit. i will not explain further. anyway. the segment ends with the two successfully escaping... only to immediately be jumped and killed by the cultists who acidentally sent them into hell in the first place. however, before they perish, they end up writing mabels name in the book that the cultists were reading from. as the audio in the credits imply... perhaps mabel wont be a damned soul forever. which, by the way, i love mabel. shes a complete weirdo and i adore her for every second shes on screen, the fact that shes implied to have a happy ending is the best.
VHS 99 continues to show that this series will never cease to be fun and creative and terrifying. i talked about my love of shredding but every segment is great this time around. HIGHLY reccomend this one.
i swear ill make this site look better one day. today is not that day.
anyway, time to get to some new stuff with 2021's VHS 94. the first movie afer VHS VIRAL effectively killed the franchise in 2014. VHS 94 debuted as a Shudder exclusive (a straming service exclusively for horror media) and was extremely successful. It is VERY easy to see why, each segment is phenomenal and the quality wouldn't let up with the other movies in the second VHS trilogy. Each having the gimmick of their segments taking place the same year, this time being 1994.
storm drain: i fucking love this segment. following a news reporter and her camera man investigating the rumors of a mysterious figure known as "the rat man". they end up entering the town sewers and encountering that not only is the rat man real, it has (unwittingly) built a cult in the sewers, who refer to it as "raatma". this segment is fucking sick, the intrigue, the reveal, and the design of raatma is genuinely masterful. raatma genuinely i think is a contender for the most unsettling monster design ive ever seen, he was designed by keith thompson and please give this man more work he is phenomenal at his job. the ending is also SO GOOD. the kill at the very end is insane and gory and i love it. this is such a strong start and its insane that the other segments arent a let down after it.
the empty wake: this one is also phenomneal for completely different reasons. there arent any insane kills or monster designs, but the subtle feeling of dread throughout is palpable. it follows a woman named hailey as she hosts a wake that no one arrives to. with a storm raging outside, the front door chained shut, and the man in the casket coming back to life, she must try to survive until the dawn comes. its a masterclass in more subtle horror compared to the creature feature that the previous segment was and it makes for an excellent contrast. it also ties a lot into a ride in the park from VHS 2 and i found that really enjoyable.
the subject: GOD i love this one, following a mad scientist in indonesia, one of his creations, subject 99 must find a way to escape while a group militarized police storm the compound in an attempt to destroy all his creations which they deem a threat. this segments director, timo tjahjanto described it as a horror short in "berserk bloodlust mode" that is strangely accurate. its just as much an action short as it is a horror one. fitting as tjahjanto also did safe haven from VHS 2, which could also be describe as such. plenty of body horror and bloodshed makes the segment just a fucking joy to watch. the surprisngly bittersweet ending is a nice send off to one of the best segments in the franchise.
terror: similar to many of the segments in VHS 2, this takes an existing and tried monster, vampires, and does something EXTREMELY unique with them. it follows a group of white supremacists, who have intents to use a vampire they have captured to commit acts of terrorism to "purge evil from america". fortunately the night before they would put their plan into action, they get piss ass drunk and acidentally release it, needing to recapture it before it can escape. in what is a bout of horror comedy, they are extremely incompetent and not only get brutally massacred by the vampire (who was designed by keith thompson and it fucking shows) but also kill multiple of their own through friendly fire. it is just as funny as it is gruesome and thats the best kind of horror comedy in my opinion. this is probably the most real looking segment in the series so far... but it will be beaten later on. i'll discuss that when i get to vhs 85. but terror is a good time and i reccomend it to anyone who likes vampires and/or racists getting brutally murdered.
holy hell (wraparound): the only part im not huge on. its not even bad, its just comparatively weak. in this, a swat team invades what they believe is a drug compound, but find is actually a trap for their team to be murdered and put on a snuff film. the stiff acting, while clearly intentional, makes the segment feel weird and janky. its not enough to where it ceases to be enjoyable, but its enough to where you kinda just want to get on with the next segment as you find those much more interesting. that being said, i still did enjoy it mostly, and the way terror ties into it is actually really cool.
after the mess that was VHS VIRAL, VHS 94 is a much more enjoyable movie. highly reccomend it if the found footage format interests you at all, it marks a new era for the franchise and to me its for the best.
VHS viral is often considered the black sheep of the VHS franchise, something i came to understand as i watched it, its without question the worst movie in the franchise, although it doesnt cease to be incredibly creative
dante the great: this one starts interesting but gets progressively dumber and less intriguing as it goes on, the ending jumpscare genuinely made me laugh out loud.
parallel monsters: this one's really funny. i get what they're going for but honestly it just kinda comes across as unintentionally funny. the demon penis will make me laugh for the rest of my life.
bonestorm: this one is also really funny, but like, in a good way. it absolutely fails at being scary but idk, the catharsis of a group of survivors actually surviving one of these, relatively effortlessly, actually was enjoyable enough for it to not bother me.
vicious circles (wraparound): probably the worst wraparound in the franchise. its shot like garbage, its attempts to comment on the internet and content creation are shallow and feel disengenous. plus the acting is. genuinely abysmal. the ending is peak unintentional comedy, "THIS IS GONNA GO VIRAL" makes me laugh just thinking about it.
this movie causes the series to go on hiatus for nearly a decade, and its not hard to see why, while each segment has potential, the execution is lacking in the whole way through. thankfully, the series would return with a beautifully made second trilogy, which i cant wait to talk about
there was a long gap between when i watched the first and second VHS movies, i dont know why i waited as long as i did, but this movie was worth the wait because it really love it.
phase 1 clinical trials: really liked this one. it's a unique take on ghosts as a whole and is super well done in the horror department, although the choice the main character makes at the end is... a little frustrating. i understand that the character who made it isnt particuarly bright, but cmon, no one does something that dumb.
a ride in the park: another very unique take on a classic horror trope, this time being zombies. simple. but extremely effective i think. the ending in particular is fantastic.
safe haven: much more standard take on its classic horror trope than the first two, this being a death cult, but i don't mean that as a bad thing. it's fantastic, actually, and thankfully also has a very strong ending, the director of this one would later direct another very strong segment, and i cant wait to talk about that one
slumber party alien abduction: this one's kind of a low note to end on. it's not bad, but with the first two being extremely novel takes on popular horror tropes and the third being an extremely well done version of a horror trope, this one being so standard is kind of... meh. i could see someone loving this one a lot more than i did, however.
tape 49 (wraparound): much better than the wraparound from the previous film, the end twist is genuinely pretty good and while the protagonists arent anything special, they aren't actively unenjoyable to watch like the previous ones.
VHS 2 is much better than the previous film, all of these segments are very well done horror and is missing many of the fatal flaws of the previous movie. this is an easy recomendation, go check it out if you're looking for a good horror movie to watch.
i have been a massive horror fan all my life, and found footage is one of my absolute favorite genres, despite this... i have never actually watched the VHS films, a series of horror anthologies where every short is in the found footage format. and shortly before cohost shut down, i set out to do that. The following is a copy paste from the cohost post i made about the first movie in the franchise, i will be keeping this as unedited as possible, but i will be noting changes in opinion ive had since, it should be noted these were written as i was watching the segments, and before i watched the next one.
amateur night: a very strong start imo. there is uh. a lot of sexual harassment in this one. but the acts are depicted as bad and the assholes get what's coming to them. the horror is fantastic despite how uncomfortable it is. effects are amazing and the actor for lily is phenomenal.
second honeymoon: HOLY SHIT LESBIANS oh yeah also the atmosphere and tension is phenomenal. still a lot of sexual harassment which sucks but LESBIANS
tuesday the 17th: absolutely phenomenal classic slasher tribute. when i initally posted this i said it was the best one, but ive changed my mind on this since writing that post. i still think its phenomenal however. the idea of a killer that only appears as a glitch on camera is fantastic.
that sick thing that happened to emily when she was younger: this one's alright. Acting is good and the novelty of it being recorded with an actual skype call is neat. But it's still just... fine.
10/31/98: a VERY strong finish. probably the best one IMO. a very good take on the idea of a haunted house. keeps things vague enough to where it let's you theorize about what was really going on, which for me is always a plus. the filmmaking group that directed this one, radio silence, would go on to direct ready or not, screams 5 and 6 and abigail, all movies i adore.
tape 56 (wraparound): something i didnt do when i initially reviewed these was talk about the wraparound segments that take place before and after each segment. i really dont care for this one, when its not being actively unbearable, its boring and uninteresting, wraparounds generally arent the highlight of a VHS film, but especially so here.
the original VHS is very flawed, but I ended up enjoying it quite a bit in spite of that. if you can look past the frankly, needless, numerous sexual harassment scenes, you have a masterfully made horror film.